Mrs. Ruzniki

Mrs Ruzniki like the Old Fart is a retired old person what taught Grade Two over forty years when she abused all chillrens diabolikaly until she was rewarded with a gold watch or somewhat and given a well deserved boot!

Since she now hate all cats but especially me on account of the mysteryous disapperance of her beloved minature pooodle Snukums, what disapperred and for what I got the blame - tho more of that later! Mrs Ruzniki had been marryed to an unfortunate gentlemen from Estern Urope what was named Leo Ruzniki. One might assume Mrs Ruzniki was allso from Estern Urope but in fackt Leo had unfortunately escaped from dastardly Nazis types only to be captured by the English who forced him into their Air Force and where he fell into the clutches of Mrs Ruzniki who was not yet Mrs Ruzniki but secretly planned to soon be! So it was that Mrs Ruzniki became the evil persecutor of chillrens and cats. Leo survived only to take up drinking beer with the Old Fart until he died. The Old Fart still blames Mrs Ruzniki what he say nagged poor Leo to death but he conveniently fail to remember that Leo fell asleep in his car on an unmarked rail crossing on his way home from sum pub or other. Bye Bye Leo! So I suppose you could say the Old Fart responsible for killing poor Leo but we is all agreed Mrs Ruzniki make a better assassin in the matter!

In any case Mrs Ruzniki is not Estern Uropian but is in fackt English - which is why she is so evil and acount for her pychotic relationship with her flower beds and her insane compulsion to assure every blade of grass on her lawn at the very same height!

Mrs Ruzniki also hate all cats!

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The Cat's Sweet Philolosophie For A Successfull And Happy Life!

It wood appear to me that all this philisophicalizing stuff isn't so complicated as sum wood hav it. Big headed philisophical types what have eyes always looking away - up or down but no place in partikular. While spouting gobbly gook what no one else understands cause it dosn't realy make any sense no how. No mystery realy make any sense no how. No mystery realy to life - just keep it simple.


First find a warm secure place to sleep what no dog can disturb you and sleep at least eighteen to twenty hours a day. The basis of all successful philosopohies is to be well rested.


Second upon rising, repair to a soft well worked bit of dirt in which to deposit your daily business. Dig a small hole - nothing that wood require too much effort and after doing it, cover over litely so it can ferment nicely. Never bury it so deep it might go undiscovered until too late to have the desired effect. One must be sure you have accomplished this in a garden what a close neighbour who hav lavished sum attention and which also grows a multiplicity of pretty flowers for you to sniff while visiting and which help cover the unpleasant odeurs of last nite's chili feast! Mrs. Ruzniki always furnishes a great flower bed and I can heartily recommend the facilities. Also she is close enuff to here her gratifying screams of entrage when she unearthes your morning mess - Har Har. Failing such a convenient garden plot or inclement weather or God forbid!!!!!! - frozen ground, a flower or plant pot in the house do as well in an emergency or if you is simply too lazy to go out! Convenient relief is also a pillar of any sucessfull philolosophie!

Next important thing is food - definatly high on my list. The Old Fart alway furnish His Bowl with a deliteful array of kitty dreck of various flavours and exciting textures. Most will do tho I am not always sure how fresh is the seafood platter! In any case der rigeur at meal time is to always turn up one's nose at whatever is being served. First show disinterest quickly follow by distain for whatever is being served! This annoys the humans what lament ad nauseum how much money they spend and how ungratefull is all kittys. Nonetheless your refussal to consider whatever is on offer is expected and always constitutes proper behaviour. Afterwards the humans walk away in disgust, chow down with enthusiasm. This most confuses the humans when they return and find your bowl empty and sometimes induces them to go out and buy even more expensive and tastey treats. Good food is among the most important parts of any good phillolosphie!

Next - Sex Rears It's Ugly Head!

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A Trip To The Vet

I know now the Old Fart is planning yet another base calaumnie aganst me. The Old Fart thinks all cats are too dull to know when we is being triked into the car for a trip to the vet. I has found with bitter experience that all vets like only to tortur poor inocent cats. Well dogs too - tho who cares what happen to dogs anyhow and they deserves all they get! I only know vets hav no end of big needles which is their fondest wish is only to skewer poor cats as soon as look at us. After is solitary confinement in cold metal cages what hav no soft garden bits like has Mrs Ruzniki next door what provides a most effacasious relief in the morning. Instead we are forced to - well you can guess the gorey detail at how the bastards humiliate and disabuse themselves of all poor cats - not dogs tho. They are trewly stupid and barking all the time and dont know no better than to crap in their own beds in any case! Who cares! I know only too well the Old Fart is planning another trip to the vet hell. His smiles at me with most unpleasant and flashing disgusting yellow dentures at me like when a crocodile smiles at lunch! 'Here kitty, kitty' and other stuf what not fool anybody anyhow. Nothing for it but to hide in the rose bushes - but myh clever plan is foiled because I forget the Old Fart has bought thick leather welding gloves after the last time when I paid him as good as I got with claws all over the swine. Drats I is for it agane! More bad experience to haunt my dreams and waking up at home later tonite with another sore ass having been perforated by another needle! Ah well! First they humilate us in ever conceivable way - then they let us die! Well hav at it bastards - I'm not done yet and let down your guard even once and I shall hav sweet sweet revenge!



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Political Cartoons - A Message From The President

Hi there America - and all you other types, I'm President George W. Bush and I want you all to know that I will be making regular guest appearances on Mr. Grants Cat this fall, in Dystunctionals new political cartoon feature Pychoanaliitizing the Neighbours.

Together with my good pals Donald and Condalezza, we look forward to also introducing you to the 'Fleet Admiral' and all the 'Hawks in Heaven'. So we hope to see you all there, God willing, and barring any sudden diabolical attacks by weapons of mass destruction bearing terrorists types.

God bless America.


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Emperor Catula

*This is whot you call your hystorical footnot tho what feets have to do with hystery I cant say. I concerns my favourit emperor Catula. I like him best cause he was so de-praved and debaucheryed of all the emperors! This was saying alot cause they was all a bad lot, but Catula was badest of the bunch and so my favourit. His short rain was a specialy above all others for its number of orgys and other fun stuff! Only difference between him and those at City Hall and parliament these days is that at least Catula was most entertaning. His biggest by far mistake however, was joking around with the captane of his guards, what had no sense of humore. On Catulas last night he gave the captane his secret password what was "Hey there sailor - hows about a kiss on my big red one". The captane being so boring took grate offence and with sum other of his pals what also grately disliked the fun emperor, tricked him in the back hall of the forum during sum regular debaucherie or other and chopped poor Catula into Doogie Bits. Ah well!! life was easey but comedie is always hard!!!


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Kidnapped

CHAPTER ONE
I am a cat with no name and can only conclude that it what because I am acktually a prince or some other personage of noble but unforunate birth - cast like Moses upon the waters but unfortunately my basket end up on the porch of the Old Fart instead of the Pharaoh's daughter house!

Tho the Old Fart failed to recognize my importance he grudgingly provided a spot by the fire and a few scraps of food.

Please excuse my erst while companions untimely and grossly inaccurate intervention in this story I shall deal with him later. Where was I - oh yes - a spot by the fire, a few scraps of food - but he forgot to bother to give me a name. Oh others tried - GD cat, bloody cat, SOB cat, but none seemed to capture my true magnifigance - so like a prince in disguise - cast away in a hostile land - I is doomed to live without a name until those what must surely be searchins for me, find me and restore me to my proper title, Prince Ludwig, King Harry, Emperor Catula or some such exalted status I am sure whoever I truly is must be of grate importance!

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Introduction

Every extraordinary life should hav a record left for posterity. A biography as some would have it - or as others would call a auto-biography. Tho I fail to see whot cars hav to do with the events of my life - well maybe some bits later but more of that in due course! Given that nobody could be more extraordinary than ME it seems only proper that I should hav a book made about ME. Maybe even a movie - well if they offer enuff monies and late nite talk show interviews. First things first however as I put pen to paw - crack open my personal book of memories and commence the daunting task!

The Cat.....................



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