Punkin Murduring Daze

Halloween is nearly upon us and as all chilrens are keenly aware punkin murduring time is here - so round up the choppers, loppers and stabbers for slicing and dicing the punkins skulls!

At our house the Old Fart long ago give up decorating for the big day and hav left the dreadfull task of punkin murdur to the bird and me. Just as well since he so clumsy he might hav cut himself most dreadfully and so is lucky to hav survived years worth of halloweens with all his fingers intact! Also most fortunate he leave the job to us cause the resulting punkin faces a grate improvement over his sorry efforts of recent years! Still he manages to drag home a few choice punkins and we will perform the delicate surgeries what transform them into trewly frightening vegetables for the scare all the littlist chilrens, then be made into pies afterwards most deliciously!

As in any sucessfull crime carefull preperation most important and the whole kitchen floor should be covered by old newspapers to catch all the gore and copious gobs of punkin branes when the carnage begins! Place the unwary punkins in the middle of the newspapers, then chose your murdur weapon and hiding it behind your back approach the wary punkin lolling it into a false sense of security with pretty words like 'How are you today Mr Punkin' or 'Grate weather for the time of year' or such. Then catching them unwares leap upon them plunging in the top of their skulls with the dagger while screaming "Die Die punkin demon from Hell! While sawing out a big hole in the top of the punkins head, if there are any highly impressionable young tykes witnessing the horror for first time, you can liten the mood by telling them how all vegetables screem in agony while dying but that can only be herd by special designed scientific instruements for detecting punkin screams! Besides tears and blubbering at the mounting horrors, with luck the little monsters will be disuaded from ever eating their veggies agane Har Har! Now plunging both paws through the gaping hole what you have just concluded sawing in the top of the punkin skull, squish the slippery slimey punkin branes between your digits and pulling out grate gobs of branes, splatter the appalling gorey mess all over the newspapers already most carefully prepared! This most enjoyable and mounts horror upon horror for all the little ones watching the murder with mounting trepidations for the coming festivities!

A large spoon may be employed in the final work of gouging out the last of the branes so the work of perforating punkin eyes, noses, and wide grimacing mouthes can begin! This bit can be triky and nasty cuts can be earned by the unwary and also good artists are also most handy to draw designs of wincing contorted punkin death masks, usefull later in attracting all the ghost and goulies on Halloween eve!

All joking aside, these operations in trewth not trewly murduring the punkins at all, tho I can imagine they wake up with a splitting headache afterwards, but with no more branes they cannot remember their former lives and look forward most fondly to be made into pies later! Besides - such is the lot of all punkins!



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Lyons tigers and Bares - Oh My!

There is sum what beleif the existance of a natural order what dictates our place in the world. Persenely I know all cats is a breed apart and not governed by such stuff. Still a brief review might be in order so as to assess my position in the neighbourhood. Birds definately of small account given that I can eat them anytime thu all those feathers and fuzz get caught between my teeth and birds make so small a snack as to be hardly worth all that creeping about on my belly in the underbrush and such. Also my friend the bird has numberous bird relatives, school chums and casual flying acquaintances what I mite eat by mistake and cause him offence so I forebear to eat birds at all on account of him being my pal!

Rats is most disgusing creatures and has bad attitudes tho I can hardly be expected to murder them over poor hygiene and snotty quips! I will however from time to time smack them around if I catch them and suggest ruffly that them take up domicile somewhere else!

Mouse are simply beneathe my notice and bothering with them would paint me a bully. Tho I prefer the upper paw in any situation I am loathe to appear a bully and can empathize given that I hav been on the receiving end on more than one occassion! I hav come nose to nose with racoons - nasty bastards what pasted me most royally but since they is wild beasts they cannot be considered as legitimate incluscions in this discussion.

All dogs hate cats! Big snarly smelly bark bark bark - chase me up a tree and me somewhat overweight, a poor climber at best and mortily afrade of hites! Only to say - all dogs hate cats and persecute us most abominably!

Our most worst problem however is human chillrens what constantly pull our tales - pinch poke and otherwise annoy us until they get a facefull of claws then "Daddy, Daddy - Mommy, Mommy the evil bad kitty hurt me most terminaly". Then the old boot up the arse and I find myself flying out the back door most uncerimoniously.

What a cat supposed to do but keep our heads down and sleep the day away safe in the bosom of Morphens. What you thinks we got no edukation?? Hah! We just smart enuff to keep it quiet cause all humans already suspekt we is superior but if they knew it for a certainty it could lead to more unpleasantness as they is jealous of their supposed superiority! Better I lay about lazily - eat whenever I please and annoy the Old Fart only enuff that he dismiss me with a "Damn cat this" and "Damn cat that" but not be prompted to more dramatic action. Still I cant help myself and so lull the Old Fart into a false sense of security with laying still - lift an eyelid most lazily from time to time and try to apere as enigmatice as possible, but reek my revenge on him on opportune moments when I can be assurred of a clean getaway!














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Attracting Flys

I is here in the Old Fart's kitchen hiding under my blankie in my baskett! I is carefully watching a big fatt fly lazly buzzing about from here to there! Buzz, buzz, buzz - first to the counter where he dance and leave little fly feetprints all over the butter - then crap fly specs on the Old Fart's Wonder Bread. Serve the Old Fart right cause he never close the bread bag after that last peanut butter and bacon sandwhich - which he never share with starving kitties! Then up again round and round - back and forth you go but my eyes fixed on you little fly and sooner or later you will come within my reach and I shalll eat you little fly buggie and crunch you up like a little furry fly popcorn! Snap crackly pop - you will be a tasty tidbit treat on a hot afternoon. So fly fly while you can but my eyes never leave you and my patience is endless. Bird say patience be damnd - I is to incredibly lazy to move naught but my eyes. The bird is one to talk - what whacks his face - beak first - against a tree in hopes some stupid tree bug hear him knocking and stick its head out a hole and so present itselfs for the bird's lunch! With all that head banging is no doubt the bird is dozy all the time and unable to figur out my devilishly clever strategems. Clearly the fly stand no chance on account of his brain so small and mine so big! What chance flying garbage munchers got against feline superority?

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