Mr. Grant's Cat

April Showers

2006-04-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

Winter is over at last, whot is a good thing cause I most abhere to have soggy paws all the time, whot is a result of having to venture out in the rain to adress those unfortunate nececities whot plague us all! The Old Fart of late is always on about April showers and May flowers or some such nonsence as raining cats and dogs, as if any cat be stupid enuff to get caught in the rain let alone get dumped out of the clouds with a load of mangey dumb dogs! The Old Fart should direct his failing wits to the maintenance of my litter box so I is precluded of the nececity for trips out in inclement weather. The fool's nose cannot work so well even tho the unpleasant odeurs of previous usages can hardly hav failed to alert him that it is 'high' time for a litter change! At some point it become impossible for me to dig any new hole without encountering a fowl deposit from some former day - what is trewly most disgusing and upsetting for a kultured cat of fine sensibilityes. So I am driven to the reluctant and most unpleasant alternative of repairing to the grate outdoors where I hav to dance akross soaking wet grass to garden plots in the vain hopes of discovering a dry patch of dirt in whot to dig a hole for my morning deposit. Thus those soggy and sometimes worser, even muddy paws! So as I earlier say already, thank God for spring and an end to endless rainy days and cold winds whot add even more tortur to a winter morning sortie!

Now the Old Fart sit on his broken down smelly couch watching drivel on his TV with the stench of that overfull litter box. Me - I will be outside in the fresh air napping on a south facing window sill in warm sun rays and when need arises I shall trot over to Mrs. Ruzniki's freshly tilled garden plot to continue our ongoing battle of the cat poop in the flower beds...har har! In all these years she not manage to catch me and in our battle of wits I always am coming out ahead, tho she live in hope of catching me in the act! Vain hope indeed as the old hag get slower every year and any attempt to plant a rubber boot up my arse probably result in her breaking a hip in the attempt. Still there is no doubt I is getting a tad slower as the years go by myself, and maybe this might be her year to get me - hah!! - fat chance!

Spring is in the air at last! Dry paws and torturing Mrs Ruzniki - could life get any sweeter?

A brief clarifikation

2006-01-30T19:35:00.000-08:00

After reeding my Pyratical Days chapter from my best selling upcoming and most exciting bio-ography of my life and times, the bird is doing rolling of eyes and making beek noises what pass for "tsk, tsk, tsk" in bird. It occur to me that his most sckeptical reaction to my mostly trew story might be shared by my otherwise gullible and faithfull fans of me and so I paws here to assure all my readers of the veracity of my recountations! It is trew that most bio-ographys can be self indulgent packs of half baked trewths and even outrite lies, but unlike a legion of polotitians, movie stars and business tycoons, I can say tho I hav only exagerated a tad here or there - and perhaps spiced up the details a little, it was only to move the narrative along and hold the interest of my most devoted readers! So if I hav strayed from telling the whole trewth and the only trewth, it has for your sakes and so I can be forgiven an occassional exaggeration.

The bird is still looking at me most pekularly with cynical doubting and such, but be assurred that I will smack him about later and so stop his rude interuptions and end his interference with your continued injoyment of my life story. So suspend your disbelief and be assurred that the tale you here is mostly trew - mostly!

Stay tuned for my first days in Victoria as I was entrapped to a life of petty thievery by the most evil Fagan and......the bird is rolling his eyes agane and now groaning in disbelief so pardon me for a bit as I require to pummel him into silence and so proceed without any further unwelcome interventions.

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My Pyratical days

2006-01-27T20:10:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER TWO

There hav been much supposition concern my earlier years specally those immediately after my abduction by pyrates! Certanely my memories of the time are a tad sketchy but recent revoveries of suppressed memory hav helped to piece together a bit of those days. It turned out that the evil pyrates had nabbed me in hopes of replacing the ships cat what had got run over by a gravel truck or some such. They themselves were not half so evil as was made out but found the notious reputation good for business and so made out to be more evil with multitudinous arr arr arrs and a grate whaling about with cutlasses and pistols most of which were unsharpened and unloaded! In any case I found myself treated most agreeably with 'here kitty kitty', bowls of fresh cream and much belly rubbing and scratches behind the ears. Of course I was expect to rid the ship of rats - creatures most dreddfull waht took heinous plezzure in ganging up on me in dark corners and threatening me with dire consequences if I dared to interfere with their business. Tho outnumbered by a grate multitude of these evil malefactors in a pyrate ship that was a maloderous rotting warren full of the filthy beasts, in time I grew most abundantly on fresh cream and kind pats and with my superior size and unbounded courage, I vanquished their superior numbers most effectively.

The pyrate Captain was most plezzed but wrack by gilt that he had abduct me from my princly home. Hard to know from which kingdom my young self had come but he finaly do the right thing and leave me off at the next port of call. The pyrates most sad to see me go and so cry and wail when I am going down the gangplank. It was a most piteous site what brought tears to my eyes for I had come to grately luv the fresh cream and multitudinous pats and scratches from the scurvy crew. Still I set about the continuing adventure of my life as the pyrates waved goodbye and sailed off to pillage and plunder elsewhere. Turning my tail on a life of pyratsy I trod off with a stout heart into the dark - dangerous and most evilist streets of Old Victoria!

Coming Next Month

2006-01-21T09:42:00.000-08:00

The Adventures of Cosmic Cat - as the big blue feline battles the forces of evil to save starving kitties thoughout the Universe, starring: The evil Empror MerdeDuLax, The even eviller Empriss Zarzthouster and her brother Baron Abominadble plus heroine sidekick Dale Ardour and the inimitable Dr. Zade Koff.

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Another Nightmare Before Christmas

2005-12-18T14:29:00.000-08:00

It was the night before Christmas
down at our house.......
Not a peep coud be heard
cause I killed every mouse.
Except for the old Fart
asleep in his bed.............
Farting farts loud enough
to awake the dead!
Suddenly from the roof came
a crash and a bang.
Causing me to fear intrusion
from some home invasion gang!
I leaps from the couch to the hearth
in a single bound.........
As down from the chimney
came a shuffling sound...........
To await by the fireplace
as the first thief came down-
Claws sharpened and ready
to shred up the clown!
Then as his dark shiny boots slowly
came into view...........
I dug in those claws and
he knew he was through!
He screamed and he begged, but I was
a cat without pity..............
His worst nightmare come true,
a psychotic fat kitty!
In only a few moments
you could tell of a glance,
The jolly fat intruder had never
stood a chance.
Little was left but bones and
a shredded red rag.
Plus all of the boodle
he'd packed in his bag!
Chalk up another victim
to the deadly watch cat......
But thank him for the presents
and the jaunty red hat!
So as I crawled back on the couch
and turned out the light,
I wished everyone Merry Christmas
and to all a good night!

Punkin Murduring Daze

2005-10-22T16:23:00.000-07:00

Halloween is nearly upon us and as all chilrens are keenly aware punkin murduring time is here - so round up the choppers, loppers and stabbers for slicing and dicing the punkins skulls!

At our house the Old Fart long ago give up decorating for the big day and hav left the dreadfull task of punkin murdur to the bird and me. Just as well since he so clumsy he might hav cut himself most dreadfully and so is lucky to hav survived years worth of halloweens with all his fingers intact! Also most fortunate he leave the job to us cause the resulting punkin faces a grate improvement over his sorry efforts of recent years! Still he manages to drag home a few choice punkins and we will perform the delicate surgeries what transform them into trewly frightening vegetables for the scare all the littlist chilrens, then be made into pies afterwards most deliciously!

As in any sucessfull crime carefull preperation most important and the whole kitchen floor should be covered by old newspapers to catch all the gore and copious gobs of punkin branes when the carnage begins! Place the unwary punkins in the middle of the newspapers, then chose your murdur weapon and hiding it behind your back approach the wary punkin lolling it into a false sense of security with pretty words like 'How are you today Mr Punkin' or 'Grate weather for the time of year' or such. Then catching them unwares leap upon them plunging in the top of their skulls with the dagger while screaming "Die Die punkin demon from Hell! While sawing out a big hole in the top of the punkins head, if there are any highly impressionable young tykes witnessing the horror for first time, you can liten the mood by telling them how all vegetables screem in agony while dying but that can only be herd by special designed scientific instruements for detecting punkin screams! Besides tears and blubbering at the mounting horrors, with luck the little monsters will be disuaded from ever eating their veggies agane Har Har! Now plunging both paws through the gaping hole what you have just concluded sawing in the top of the punkin skull, squish the slippery slimey punkin branes between your digits and pulling out grate gobs of branes, splatter the appalling gorey mess all over the newspapers already most carefully prepared! This most enjoyable and mounts horror upon horror for all the little ones watching the murder with mounting trepidations for the coming festivities!

A large spoon may be employed in the final work of gouging out the last of the branes so the work of perforating punkin eyes, noses, and wide grimacing mouthes can begin! This bit can be triky and nasty cuts can be earned by the unwary and also good artists are also most handy to draw designs of wincing contorted punkin death masks, usefull later in attracting all the ghost and goulies on Halloween eve!

All joking aside, these operations in trewth not trewly murduring the punkins at all, tho I can imagine they wake up with a splitting headache afterwards, but with no more branes they cannot remember their former lives and look forward most fondly to be made into pies later! Besides - such is the lot of all punkins!

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Lyons tigers and Bares - Oh My!

2005-10-16T18:42:00.000-07:00

There is sum what beleif the existance of a natural order what dictates our place in the world. Persenely I know all cats is a breed apart and not governed by such stuff. Still a brief review might be in order so as to assess my position in the neighbourhood. Birds definately of small account given that I can eat them anytime thu all those feathers and fuzz get caught between my teeth and birds make so small a snack as to be hardly worth all that creeping about on my belly in the underbrush and such. Also my friend the bird has numberous bird relatives, school chums and casual flying acquaintances what I mite eat by mistake and cause him offence so I forebear to eat birds at all on account of him being my pal!

Rats is most disgusing creatures and has bad attitudes tho I can hardly be expected to murder them over poor hygiene and snotty quips! I will however from time to time smack them around if I catch them and suggest ruffly that them take up domicile somewhere else!

Mouse are simply beneathe my notice and bothering with them would paint me a bully. Tho I prefer the upper paw in any situation I am loathe to appear a bully and can empathize given that I hav been on the receiving end on more than one occassion! I hav come nose to nose with racoons - nasty bastards what pasted me most royally but since they is wild beasts they cannot be considered as legitimate incluscions in this discussion.

All dogs hate cats! Big snarly smelly bark bark bark - chase me up a tree and me somewhat overweight, a poor climber at best and mortily afrade of hites! Only to say - all dogs hate cats and persecute us most abominably!

Our most worst problem however is human chillrens what constantly pull our tales - pinch poke and otherwise annoy us until they get a facefull of claws then "Daddy, Daddy - Mommy, Mommy the evil bad kitty hurt me most terminaly". Then the old boot up the arse and I find myself flying out the back door most uncerimoniously.

What a cat supposed to do but keep our heads down and sleep the day away safe in the bosom of Morphens. What you thinks we got no edukation?? Hah! We just smart enuff to keep it quiet cause all humans already suspekt we is superior but if they knew it for a certainty it could lead to more unpleasantness as they is jealous of their supposed superiority! Better I lay about lazily - eat whenever I please and annoy the Old Fart only enuff that he dismiss me with a "Damn cat this" and "Damn cat that" but not be prompted to more dramatic action. Still I cant help myself and so lull the Old Fart into a false sense of security with laying still - lift an eyelid most lazily from time to time and try to apere as enigmatice as possible, but reek my revenge on him on opportune moments when I can be assurred of a clean getaway!

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Attracting Flys

2005-10-06T16:18:00.000-07:00

I is here in the Old Fart's kitchen hiding under my blankie in my baskett! I is carefully watching a big fatt fly lazly buzzing about from here to there! Buzz, buzz, buzz - first to the counter where he dance and leave little fly feetprints all over the butter - then crap fly specs on the Old Fart's Wonder Bread. Serve the Old Fart right cause he never close the bread bag after that last peanut butter and bacon sandwhich - which he never share with starving kitties! Then up again round and round - back and forth you go but my eyes fixed on you little fly and sooner or later you will come within my reach and I shalll eat you little fly buggie and crunch you up like a little furry fly popcorn! Snap crackly pop - you will be a tasty tidbit treat on a hot afternoon. So fly fly while you can but my eyes never leave you and my patience is endless. Bird say patience be damnd - I is to incredibly lazy to move naught but my eyes. The bird is one to talk - what whacks his face - beak first - against a tree in hopes some stupid tree bug hear him knocking and stick its head out a hole and so present itselfs for the bird's lunch! With all that head banging is no doubt the bird is dozy all the time and unable to figur out my devilishly clever strategems. Clearly the fly stand no chance on account of his brain so small and mine so big! What chance flying garbage munchers got against feline superority?

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The Best Dog Training Book

Walkies

2005-09-28T18:19:00.000-07:00

Walkies something for dogs. Fury fools hears "WALKIES" and jump up and down all excited to get dragged up and down the sidewalk - forced to crap out in public and have those crazy humans pick it up and save it in baggies like some treasure or somewhot! Discusting!

All cats essentally lazy and just as soon sleep most of the time anyhow. Enuff walkies for me is from my blanket to the food dish and back whot seems some days like a safari or somewhot! Unfortunatly the Old Fart never had a dog but like all humans seem to need to drag some kind of poor animal along with them wherever theys goes. Old Fart no exeption. When he needs to go down to the cornor store for some milk or comic or somewhot if I am not making myself scarce he wagging his tongue "WALKIES, WALKIES, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" and I find myself co-hersed into dragging my butt behind him all the way there and back. Most fortunately he neglected to bring the baggies so any expetation that I crap on command never arises and I's is left free to conduct such stuff elsewhere! Plod, plod, plod behind the Old Fart as he shuffles intermably along in his slippers leaving yours trewly to bring up the rear burning my paw pads on the sidewalk in summer or worse yet getting them wet in winter if it snows I simply refuse to leave the house at all. Uncivilized passtime in any case. Walkies is foolishniss for all dogs which are stupid anyhow so can't appreciate the finer things in life like sleeping all day and only visiting the litter box when it is impossible to avoid the effort. But the Old Fart needs me and so I am forced to continue the trips and lead him home agane otherwise he might get lost and never return. I suppose it is a small price to pay for bed and breakfast and that least if I plays the part the Old Fart will forbear to get a fat stinky dog to replace me!

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The Feline Gourmand

2005-09-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

Given that cats can't be choosers I got poor choice of dietary rekuirements while resident with the Old Fart. Stupid humans think all cats the same and that none of us knows the difference between good grub or bad and don't much care anyhow! While they stuff their gobs with all manner of de-lectable stuff they think nothing of plopping a spoonful of crap in our food bowls before returning to the dinner table full of good stuff! I make the mistake of acktually eating some kitty dreck while the Old Fart was still in the kitchen. The fool assumed I partickularely liked the taste cause he ran out and bought a life time supply of kitty dreck in a drum and now I is perpetually stuck with the same stuff nite after nite. Who know whot stuff they put in there anyhow. Whot they think they trik us with a sprinkle of seafood flavour or whotever. Only meens they carried the drums out of the factory past a fish or somewhot. Seafood my furry blue butt!!

Fortunattly the Old Fart often drink a beer too many during dinner on front of the TV and fall asleep with his dinner tray on front of him. I especialy like the steak and fries. The Old Fart wake up much later and find all the steak and fries gone but can't remember if he ate it or not. Har! Har! Thusly I can vary my dinner menu from time to time while at the same time save the fat old bugger from the excess colesteral fatts and other bad stuff! Tho I do like most things however I can warn all other kittys to avoid the chili! After all these years suffering from the after effects of chili dinners at the hand of the Old Fart - did I say hands - whotever, the burning blue farts that is the inevitable results of chili dinners is bad enuff when the Old Fart is firing them off - but when it is one self committing the crime, you can not run away and are stuk with the stench wherever you try to hide. Chili most good but after effects to be avoided at all costs. Other hot stuff the same but necessary to sample whotever is available cause lives of all cats offer few oppertunitys to sample fine cuisine and we must take advantage when we can. In the interim there is the kitty dreck and the water bowl. Oh well things could be worse and if the Old Fart eats Mexican agane tonite it certanely will be!

PS - If you must sample the chili then try the beer too!

The Mysteryous Disappearance of Pookum (barf! barf!)

2005-09-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

It was a dark and stormy nite - the nite Mrs Ruzniki's poodle Pookums disappear never to be seen agane by anybody alive! The bird say here dark and stormy nite is a kleeshae of the most awefull type, but what is good enuff for the likes of Vincent Price is truely good enufe for beginning my storey. Besides why is dark and stormy nite a bad thing while naming your poodle Pookums, Pookie or Pookie Wookey and such stuff that make me wretch and puke up my kitty dreck, not most truly revolting. Nobody tell Mrs Ruzniki to call the fuzzy rat Leopold or Ferdinand or some such other fat name as those!

Anyhow it was in fact a plessant summer evening but this an inappropriate beginning for a mysterie or horror story. Did I say horror - well maybe getting rid of Pookums (wretch, wretch) seem more like and uplifting good type story! - but I digress!

The fuzzy rat bark continously, crap on the Old Farts' doorstep and genuinely annoy and otherwise piss me off! Good ridance fuzzy rat dog!

In any case when he disappeare a grate mysterie start and little did I know what I would be named the chief suspekt and face the chair for my crimes! ! !

Ruzniki claim she last saw Pookums (gag, gag) playing alone in his own back yard. But if the fuzzy rat was alone how come she know he is alone if she was there and what he was doing while he was alone. My own suspicions were arroused by her story which no detective would akcept on the face of it! I suspekt Mrs Ruzniki right away after such statements full of holes but I kept my suspichions to myself at first but when I am fingered no one would listen to me! Only need to look at the evil old lady to know she hate all cats and that she desperate to pin the crime on me! Yes I know Pookums (ack, ack) runing about and bark, bark an such, making an unholy din annoying everone but most especialy me! But no one ever see me at the crime scene and so can hardly think me responsible. In any case barking go on incessantly and when suddenly stopped, alert evil Ruzniki that fuzzy rat is gone!

.........to be continued.........................................................

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Frankenstien

2005-09-11T11:25:00.000-07:00

Don't worry kids! So the new season of the Cat is a no-brainer. Gird your loins and hold on tight cause the tenth season of Mr. Grant's Cat is about to begin. Yes, believe it or not, the Cat has been polluting the e-waves for almost ten years. Join him again this year.

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Lake Lobster

2005-09-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

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Fat Loss

Acne Free In 3 Days

SEX - Rears it's ugly head! ! !

2005-09-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

One of my girlfriend is a sexy kitty what name is Ravenous and what of I am heartilly afrade! When she catch me and have her evil ways with me I cry and pleed but to no avail. In any case whole sex thing seems hardly worth the effort for Ravenous is most selfish lover. Even what I take is less than a minute of her time she continually complain she is not finished yet. Most greedy for her own pleezure but later when inevitable happen and road muffins show up - she quick to blame me for the whole thing! I am forced to hide but when they catch me I deny deny so the Old Fart not cut off my privlidges!!! cause he forced to find homes for all the road muffins - mostly what get run over by buses and such so deserve their nickname anyway! The whole sex thing seems highly overated and not nearly so satistying as popcorn and a good movie with long nap after on the couch! In my philosophie for a good life sex seem sumewhat supperflewous!

I include here for your consideration a few examples of the Darwinian extinctionisms of surplus road muffins!

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Mrs. Ruzniki

2005-08-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

Mrs Ruzniki like the Old Fart is a retired old person what taught Grade Two over forty years when she abused all chillrens diabolikaly until she was rewarded with a gold watch or somewhat and given a well deserved boot!

Since she now hate all cats but especially me on account of the mysteryous disapperance of her beloved minature pooodle Snukums, what disapperred and for what I got the blame - tho more of that later! Mrs Ruzniki had been marryed to an unfortunate gentlemen from Estern Urope what was named Leo Ruzniki. One might assume Mrs Ruzniki was allso from Estern Urope but in fackt Leo had unfortunately escaped from dastardly Nazis types only to be captured by the English who forced him into their Air Force and where he fell into the clutches of Mrs Ruzniki who was not yet Mrs Ruzniki but secretly planned to soon be! So it was that Mrs Ruzniki became the evil persecutor of chillrens and cats. Leo survived only to take up drinking beer with the Old Fart until he died. The Old Fart still blames Mrs Ruzniki what he say nagged poor Leo to death but he conveniently fail to remember that Leo fell asleep in his car on an unmarked rail crossing on his way home from sum pub or other. Bye Bye Leo! So I suppose you could say the Old Fart responsible for killing poor Leo but we is all agreed Mrs Ruzniki make a better assassin in the matter!

In any case Mrs Ruzniki is not Estern Uropian but is in fackt English - which is why she is so evil and acount for her pychotic relationship with her flower beds and her insane compulsion to assure every blade of grass on her lawn at the very same height!

Mrs Ruzniki also hate all cats!

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The Cat's Sweet Philolosophie For A Successfull And Happy Life!

2005-08-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

It wood appear to me that all this philisophicalizing stuff isn't so complicated as sum wood hav it. Big headed philisophical types what have eyes always looking away - up or down but no place in partikular. While spouting gobbly gook what no one else understands cause it dosn't realy make any sense no how. No mystery realy make any sense no how. No mystery realy to life - just keep it simple.

First find a warm secure place to sleep what no dog can disturb you and sleep at least eighteen to twenty hours a day. The basis of all successful philosopohies is to be well rested.

Second upon rising, repair to a soft well worked bit of dirt in which to deposit your daily business. Dig a small hole - nothing that wood require too much effort and after doing it, cover over litely so it can ferment nicely. Never bury it so deep it might go undiscovered until too late to have the desired effect. One must be sure you have accomplished this in a garden what a close neighbour who hav lavished sum attention and which also grows a multiplicity of pretty flowers for you to sniff while visiting and which help cover the unpleasant odeurs of last nite's chili feast! Mrs. Ruzniki always furnishes a great flower bed and I can heartily recommend the facilities. Also she is close enuff to here her gratifying screams of entrage when she unearthes your morning mess - Har Har. Failing such a convenient garden plot or inclement weather or God forbid!!!!!! - frozen ground, a flower or plant pot in the house do as well in an emergency or if you is simply too lazy to go out! Convenient relief is also a pillar of any sucessfull philolosophie!

Next important thing is food - definatly high on my list. The Old Fart alway furnish His Bowl with a deliteful array of kitty dreck of various flavours and exciting textures. Most will do tho I am not always sure how fresh is the seafood platter! In any case der rigeur at meal time is to always turn up one's nose at whatever is being served. First show disinterest quickly follow by distain for whatever is being served! This annoys the humans what lament ad nauseum how much money they spend and how ungratefull is all kittys. Nonetheless your refussal to consider whatever is on offer is expected and always constitutes proper behaviour. Afterwards the humans walk away in disgust, chow down with enthusiasm. This most confuses the humans when they return and find your bowl empty and sometimes induces them to go out and buy even more expensive and tastey treats. Good food is among the most important parts of any good phillolosphie!

Next - Sex Rears It's Ugly Head!

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A Trip To The Vet

2005-08-16T14:09:00.000-07:00

I know now the Old Fart is planning yet another base calaumnie aganst me. The Old Fart thinks all cats are too dull to know when we is being triked into the car for a trip to the vet. I has found with bitter experience that all vets like only to tortur poor inocent cats. Well dogs too - tho who cares what happen to dogs anyhow and they deserves all they get! I only know vets hav no end of big needles which is their fondest wish is only to skewer poor cats as soon as look at us. After is solitary confinement in cold metal cages what hav no soft garden bits like has Mrs Ruzniki next door what provides a most effacasious relief in the morning. Instead we are forced to - well you can guess the gorey detail at how the bastards humiliate and disabuse themselves of all poor cats - not dogs tho. They are trewly stupid and barking all the time and dont know no better than to crap in their own beds in any case! Who cares! I know only too well the Old Fart is planning another trip to the vet hell. His smiles at me with most unpleasant and flashing disgusting yellow dentures at me like when a crocodile smiles at lunch! 'Here kitty, kitty' and other stuf what not fool anybody anyhow. Nothing for it but to hide in the rose bushes - but myh clever plan is foiled because I forget the Old Fart has bought thick leather welding gloves after the last time when I paid him as good as I got with claws all over the swine. Drats I is for it agane! More bad experience to haunt my dreams and waking up at home later tonite with another sore ass having been perforated by another needle! Ah well! First they humilate us in ever conceivable way - then they let us die! Well hav at it bastards - I'm not done yet and let down your guard even once and I shall hav sweet sweet revenge!

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Find Cars, Cheap!

Political Cartoons - A Message From The President

2005-08-14T19:27:00.000-07:00

Hi there America - and all you other types, I'm President George W. Bush and I want you all to know that I will be making regular guest appearances on Mr. Grants Cat this fall, in Dystunctionals new political cartoon feature Pychoanaliitizing the Neighbours.

Together with my good pals Donald and Condalezza, we look forward to also introducing you to the 'Fleet Admiral' and all the 'Hawks in Heaven'. So we hope to see you all there, God willing, and barring any sudden diabolical attacks by weapons of mass destruction bearing terrorists types.

God bless America.

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Burn The Fat, Feed The Muscle

Fat Loss

Acne Free In 3 Days

Emperor Catula

2005-08-11T16:22:00.000-07:00

*This is whot you call your hystorical footnot tho what feets have to do with hystery I cant say. I concerns my favourit emperor Catula. I like him best cause he was so de-praved and debaucheryed of all the emperors! This was saying alot cause they was all a bad lot, but Catula was badest of the bunch and so my favourit. His short rain was a specialy above all others for its number of orgys and other fun stuff! Only difference between him and those at City Hall and parliament these days is that at least Catula was most entertaning. His biggest by far mistake however, was joking around with the captane of his guards, what had no sense of humore. On Catulas last night he gave the captane his secret password what was "Hey there sailor - hows about a kiss on my big red one". The captane being so boring took grate offence and with sum other of his pals what also grately disliked the fun emperor, tricked him in the back hall of the forum during sum regular debaucherie or other and chopped poor Catula into Doogie Bits. Ah well!! life was easey but comedie is always hard!!!

come and vistit me at: www.mrgrantscat.com

Kidnapped

2005-08-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER ONE
I am a cat with no name and can only conclude that it what because I am acktually a prince or some other personage of noble but unforunate birth - cast like Moses upon the waters but unfortunately my basket end up on the porch of the Old Fart instead of the Pharaoh's daughter house!

Tho the Old Fart failed to recognize my importance he grudgingly provided a spot by the fire and a few scraps of food.

Please excuse my erst while companions untimely and grossly inaccurate intervention in this story I shall deal with him later. Where was I - oh yes - a spot by the fire, a few scraps of food - but he forgot to bother to give me a name. Oh others tried - GD cat, bloody cat, SOB cat, but none seemed to capture my true magnifigance - so like a prince in disguise - cast away in a hostile land - I is doomed to live without a name until those what must surely be searchins for me, find me and restore me to my proper title, Prince Ludwig, King Harry, Emperor Catula or some such exalted status I am sure whoever I truly is must be of grate importance!

visit more cat: www.mrgrantscat.com

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Introduction

2005-08-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

Every extraordinary life should hav a record left for posterity. A biography as some would have it - or as others would call a auto-biography. Tho I fail to see whot cars hav to do with the events of my life - well maybe some bits later but more of that in due course! Given that nobody could be more extraordinary than ME it seems only proper that I should hav a book made about ME. Maybe even a movie - well if they offer enuff monies and late nite talk show interviews. First things first however as I put pen to paw - crack open my personal book of memories and commence the daunting task!

The Cat.....................

come and vistit me at:www.mrgrantscat.com

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Welcome

2005-07-31T20:14:00.000-07:00

Check out the big fat blue cat that thinks he's human. Mr. Grant has a lot of trouble with him getting into mischief. He finds a drawer with a condom in it and tries to protect himself by putting it over his head so he doesn't get his love muffin pregnant. Check out Mr. Grant's Cat for yourself. www.mrgrantscat.com